An Object's Ramblings
by Begoshi
Summary: Harry Potter from a different point of view. Why have angsty teenagers do it, when you can have a grumpy floor narrate the tale? Not in order.
1. To the Audience

Good morning, good evening or good afternoon. Depending on when you deign to read this piece of literature. My name is Janet Thyme and unfortunately for me, I can hear inanimate objects(Don't ask how. It was a very messy experiment and I do not wish to remember the details). Now, this story is not about me. Not at all. In fact, the only reason I am mentioned here is that someone needs to explain what on earth is going on and I'm certainly not about to let Gertrude do it.

Gertrude is my bed, by the way.

But, this story is about the ever famous Harry Potter and his adventures. What makes it different is it's from the point of view of inanimate objects that were at the scenes of his daring acts, or other such related incidents. Further within the pages, you will discover that objects are a very caustic lot and tend to complain a lot of the time. But, if you wish to read, I have no business stopping you.

Have fun,

Janet


	2. The Shrieking Shack

**The Shrieking Shack**

Oh look! It's Remy! I haven't seen him in ages.... And he has Siri with him too! How nice... A lovely bunch those boys were, it's a shame they had to leave school... But this is good, I haven't had visitors for quite some time... Though, Remy doesn't seem to be too happy, and neither does Siri... And those adorable little children look frightened out of the skins, the poor things...

Do they need a cup of tea? I'm sure there's a bag or two inside the cupboard if Alfred is willing to let them in... He's been shutting us out since Remy-puppy got a bit too angry one night and knocked off one his handles... Thinks he's only half the cupboard he used to be, the silly thing...

But anyway, it's so nice to have company after all these years. It gets a bit lonely when no-one comes around. Everyone just seems to hover outside... I'm a very nice house as far as houses go... I just don't see why people don't want to visit...

Oh! And here's Sevvie! He's certainly grown up hasn't he? He only visited once... What a shame he never came again until now... I wonder what everyone seems so upset about... Is it the funny rat the red boy is holding onto? Siri seems awfully focused on it... Kind of like Remy-puppy when he spots a ball...

Siri! That is not how you treat animals! You shouldn't grab them like that... Or shoot spells at the- Oh my! It's Petey! Well, he hasn't aged well has he? No wonder he wanted to stay as a rat... And Petey's been a naughty boy too! Poor little chicken that Harry Potter... I do miss Jamesy... Shame I'll never see him again...

Oh no, can't have you running away you naughty boy... I just need to raise a floorboard a bit.... There... You need to learn about taking responsibility...

Oh... You're leaving now? Well, come back will you? It gets awfully lonely with only Alfred to talk to... Francine hasn't quite been the same since incident with Siri and Remy...


	3. The Floor of the Chamber of Secrets

**The Floor of the Chamber of Secrets**

Bloody children! The least you could do is wipe your bloody shoes before you walk all over my nice clean surface. Then again, stupid ruffians like you lot could never appreciate cleanliness. Even that Slytherin chap that built me seemed to have a pathological aversion to a good bit of water and soap.

At least the bloody snake doesn't leave it's mess lying around. Except for the bloody skin that's sitting in the entrance! It's been great these past fifty or so years. No-one's stepped their dirty, germ-infested feet on my stones and I've been left in peace and quiet. None of those humans running around, hissing at each other and making a racket.

Great, and you had to go and collapse Samuel's left ear, didn't you? He was deaf enough already, but now you had to go and make it harder for me to have intelligent conversation. The ceiling, Beatrice, can only gossip on about what she hears from the floor above her, and the statue, Henry, is an arrogant git.

Always harping on about how Slytherin entrusted him with this and how Slytherin built him with his own hands and how Slytherin owes him... and it just goes on and on and on! Samuel was the best conversation in the place.

Oh no! Nonononono! Don't you dare get that snakes blood all over me! Imbecile! Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of me? And seeing how little people come down here, it will be even harder when someone finally bothers!

Yes, it's fan-friggin-tastic that you've defeated the mighty snake and saved the school, but what about the blood you left! And the venom is **burning holes in me! **How would you like to have holes burnt in you you ungrateful little snot? Here I am, giving you a solid foundation to stand on, and then you go and dirty me up! And not a word of thanks!

Well, we'll see how remorseful you are next time you come down, and you find yourself waist deep in liquefied rock that's suddenly hardened around! Eh? Let's see how you like that!


	4. Harry's Firebolt

**Harry's Firebolt**

Grrrr.... I'm so bored! I mean, I understand Harry's under a bit of pressure, y'know, with the whole triwitch or wizard or whatever the hell it is, but can't he just relax and take me out for a fly? It's kinda stuffy here in the trunk.

Yeah, the the socks are pretty cool guys, and I get on really well with the pants, if you know what I mean, but I need to get out, y'know? Just ride on the wind. So anyway, I heard about this great new wa- Holy cleansweeps in a blender what the hell is happening?

I mean, one moment, I'm in the trunk chatting up the trousers and the next- Woah! Was that a window I just went through? Ah well, not much to complain about now. I'm outside, so it's all good.

Hey, what's going on? There's the Quidditch Pitch, but there's, like, this huge black thing down one end. Now I don't know about other countries or whatever, but I'm pretty sure bludgers aren't meant to be that big. But, I'm getting closer now, so I should be able to see what it is really...

AHHH! *&%*^%E(*#^)#*^)(*&)&$)^%! What the hell! Get me away from it! Why is Harry fighting a dragon?! I'm going to be burned to a crisp! Are you crazy? I think I'm starting to believe those articles you keep muttering to yourself about you crazy ((&%#*$^)(&^%*&^%!

You're just lucky that I don't have arms, Harry, or you would be going down for doing this to me! I am wood! Dragons breathe fire! You put us both in the same situation and it's not going to end well! I hope you'll be happy after I'm a nice little pile of ashes on the Quidditch pitch you stupid sod!

...

Okay, I admit it, you're a damn good flier and I should have trusted you- Ah! Why are you going near it again! I've changed my mind! I wanna go back to trunk with your trousers! I know they're a little traumatised by what they've been through with you, but I'm sure we can work through that!

And now you're omigodomigodomigodomigodomigodomigodomigodomigodomigod! We are not diving towards and angry, viscious, fire-breathing dragon to get.... an egg.

Holy crap Harry Potter.

What is wrong with you?


End file.
